A lot of us wake up every morning disappointed that we are not pregnant yet. For some, it’s been months of trying. For others, years of loss. We wait for the day we wake up with a bump in our belly, finally feeling “happy” again, only to find the same cloud of sadness and exhaustion waiting for us.
No matter how long it’s taking, I want you to remember to give yourself a break. Understand that you will have bad days. Understand that a negative test, a baby shower invite, or a thoughtless comment from a stranger will trigger you. Understand the moments when you are overwhelmed by a rage so hot it scares you.
When these raw emotions suddenly surface, it can make us feel like we have gone crazy or lost who we are. But you haven’t. You didn’t just “lose a cycle.” You lost the sense of safety in your own body. You went from the euphoria of hope to the ultimate low of hope banishing in one pregnancy test. Your heart and soul have been through a war.
Why is it taking so long?
Because you are a human being with real depth, not a robot that functions exactly the same every day no matter what happens in the outer world. You care deeply about life. Those very strengths, your capacity to love and your desire to create, are exactly what make you human, and they are exactly why this journey is so painful.
The pressure to “get pregnant faster” (or heal faster) usually comes from three specific areas. To move through this, we must recognize these pressures with compassion, not judgment.
1. The Forgotten Emotions
Many of us carry emotions we were never taught how to hold. In an attempt to keep us away from that pain, we keep our focus on external things—showing up as people-pleasing, perfectionism, or hyper-vigilance. We tell ourselves: “If I could just get pregnant, I’ll finally be happy. If I could just see that positive test, my life will begin.”
We treat the journey to conceive like a high-stakes project. Infertility forces us to face the “bad parts of ourselves” we’ve kept locked away: anger, depression, paranoia, and a crushing sense of inadequacy. But here is the secret: This pain isn’t caused purely by infertility. The fertility journey is merely the trigger that awakens deep, buried wounds we had forgotten were there.
Every negative test and every dry month stacks up like sludge. If your heart has a lot of unresolved emotions, that sludge has a place to land and stick. But when we start releasing them, the sludge has nowhere to land anymore. We can welcome the emotion, process it, and let it go without being consumed by it.
In 2025, this requires more than just “positive thinking” or meditation. It requires conscious nourishment because this deep emotional work burns an incredible amount of energy. If you are hard on yourself for “not going anywhere,” remember: your body cannot process trauma while it is in a mineral famine. If you woke up crying today, that’s okay. Be kind to yourself. You are doing the best you can with a depleted tank.
2. Friends & Family (The “Just Relax” Trap)
Many people love you, but they may not be able to “get” it. They offer standard advice: “Just relax and it’ll happen!” or “Why don’t you just adopt?” or worst of all, “It’s been a year, you need to move on.“
None of that is helpful when your core identity has been shattered. Friends and family are helping from their own limited experience, but unless they have stood in this specific hell, they cannot understand the addiction to hope or the physical pain of that hope disappearing in a single minute.
I know how hard you’ve been working. I see it. But you are the only one who can do the work to find yourself again. External encouragement—including mine—cannot do the work for you. But together, as classmates, we will find the way.
3. The Illusion of Control
This is the hardest one to face. We live in a world that tells us if we work hard enough, eat perfectly enough, and track closely enough, we can guarantee a result. But the truth we eventually hit is this: Conception is not something we can control. No matter how hard we try to heal, the calendar “comes back” to haunt us every month. Every cycle is a reminder that we aren’t the ones in charge of the timing. The journey itself can feel like it’s “mocking” you, making you feel bitter or “broken” because your effort isn’t yielding an outcome.
You might start thinking you are “lesser” than other women because you can’t “make” this happen. This is the voice in your head that was born out of protection. It wants to give you a reason—even a painful one—for why this is happening, because your brain prefers “it’s my fault” over “I have no control.” It’s trying to keep you away from the true core wound to keep you sane. It’s protecting you from the vulnerability of the unknown, but it’s also keeping you away from the place where peace and love reside.
When and how we get pregnant is not a project we can manage into submission, and it is never a reflection of our worth.
We must shed the idea that our worth is tied to our ovaries or our “success” rate. You are not a machine to be optimized; you are a woman to be nourished. This journey is not about performing your way into being worthy. It’s about releasing the false belief that you are the pilot of this ship so that you can reconnect to your heart and thrive, even while the timing remains out of your hands.
Let’s Not Be “Sad That You’re Sad”
The more expectations you have, the harder this becomes. If you’re sad, that’s a natural emotion. But if you’re sad that you’re sad, you are doubling the strain on your nervous system. This “secondary emotion” causes more physical stress on your body than the initial sadness ever did.
- Did you have a breakdown today? Forgive yourself.
- Did you act like a “monster” because your hormones and minerals were crashing? Forgive yourself.
- Did you lose your temper? Forgive yourself.
The Path Forward
Recognize that there will be ups and downs. If you wake up in a great mood, enjoy it—but don’t panic if you’re sad the next day. This is your journey, and it isn’t linear.
Take time to love yourself—not the “manicured” version of you, but the raw, tired, real version of you. Look deep inside and find the qualities that have nothing to do with fertility: your kindness, your humor, your resilience.
Infertility latched onto you because you are a person who values life and creation. Those are your strengths. Infertility can’t take them away from you; it can only hide them for a while.
So, go take a warm bath. Drink or eat that reminds you of being taken care of. Snuggle under the covers. You’ve been through a war, and you deserve a break.